Grief is a journey. A most-difficult, heart-wrenching, gut-churning journey. It's not a
place you would ask to go, but everyone who has ever loved someone will make this
journey at some point in their life. The ticket to this journey is "Loss". If you love
someone and lose someone, your ticket to grief is guaranteed.
There is no preparation for this journey. We all enter into it the first time completely
unprepared. There is no "Death 101" to ready us for this trip, and even when we've
spent months or years watching a loved one's health deteriorate, thinking we're ready
for the finality of their death ... we're not.
The GOOD news is that you CAN get through this. Even though your world has
crumbled, there IS hope. Although you may not think so right now, there will come a day
when you fill find a smile on your face again, and joy in your heart. God promised! And
I can also tell you that this is true because I've been to the bottom of this merciless pit ~
and survived. You can too!
So how does one go from "just-beginning-all-consuming-grief" to "get-on-with-your-life-
grief"? I call it a journey of the hands. No, not the hands of a clock or any other time
piece. Real hands. Although everyone goes through grief in their own personal way,
feeling those strong emotions at different times and in different intensities, there will still
be some major similarities between your grief and mine, especially in the hands.
So, where are your hands right now?
When I first began my journey through grief, my hands were clenching tissues and
wiping the tears from my eyes or clenching my pillow as I buried my face into it to hide
the tears. I call this the clenching hands phase. This is normal.
As the finality of my loss became a reality, my hands became fists of anger and rage.
Yes, I was angry! I wasn't ready for this, and I wasn't through with my loved one. I
wanted them here a lot longer than they were allowed to stay. The unfairness of it all
infuriated me. I call this the fisted hands phase. This is normal.
Over time, I spent most of my time wringing my hands in despair. I didn't know what to
do or where to turn. My life had turned upside down and I was completely lost in a
foreign world, a world without my loved one. On top of the grief, I was also facing so
many life-changes now in my loved ones absence. All at a time when I was in the worst
emotional state to be making these kinds of decisions. I call this the wringing hands
phase. This is normal.
From there, these two hands became reaching hands, reaching for anyone and
anything that could make the pain go away or even lessen it one iota. Different people
go to different measures, some more desperate than others, to try to lessen the pain.
Some drown their pain in alcohol or drugs, others busy themselves with anything that
stops them from thinking about their grief: travel, books, hobbies, work, shopping. It's
not so much that we're trying to hide from our grief as it is trying to just find a little relief
from the grief. I call this the reaching hands phase. This is normal.
All of these phases of my own grief may sound very similar to yours. Each is perfectly
normal, and it's also perfectly normal for these phases to repeat themselves, weaving in
and out of your life over time as you find the best way to come to terms with your own
personal grief.
In my case, it became a vicious cycle until I finally discovered the correct things to do
with my hands. I call it the helping hands phase. Something inside of me made me
finally realize that I couldn't get through my grief alone. It was outside of my power to
survive this on my own. The pain was too intense and I was too unprepared. Even
reading everything I could find on grief, it didn't make the pain any less.
First, I reached out to friends and relatives. But even close friends and family can't give
you a helping hand that will make the pain bearable. Then, I realized that God had
given me two of the greatest helping hands, my own!
Finally, putting these two hands to proper use, I began to recover from the pain and find
peace in my grief. I simply got down on my knees and pressed these two hands of mine
together and began to pray, fervently, to a God who hears my every cry. Building a
close bond with the Lord formed by many prayers and spending much time in His
presence, listening for His small still voice to soothe my heart, finally brought peace
back into my soul.
He taught me how to lift my hands and give my burdens to Him, allowing Him to handle
the things I was incapable of handling, and allowing Him to be my strength to get me
through each day.
He taught me how to live again, a life where He is in complete control. This is not the
same life I had before grief entered the picture. I am not the same me I was before
losing my loved one. Yes, I may still look the same on the outside (pretty much anyway),
but my heart has changed. It was broken and He has mended it. It was empty and He
has filled it. It was bitter and He has cleansed it. It was hurt and he has healed it. It was
angry and He has tempered it. It was filled with turmoil and He brought it peace. And it
all started by using my own two hands, pressed together in earnest prayer.
So, I ask again, where are your hands right now? Which hand-phase are you in along
your journey? Although each phase may weave through your life as your continue your
journey through grief, you can take a MAJOR shortcut. Take the trip to the last phase â
€“ the helping hands phase, and put your hands together in prayer. It will make the rest
of the trip much more bearable and you WILL find peace. God promised.
May He truly bless you and bring you peace. ~ Ferna
place you would ask to go, but everyone who has ever loved someone will make this
journey at some point in their life. The ticket to this journey is "Loss". If you love
someone and lose someone, your ticket to grief is guaranteed.
There is no preparation for this journey. We all enter into it the first time completely
unprepared. There is no "Death 101" to ready us for this trip, and even when we've
spent months or years watching a loved one's health deteriorate, thinking we're ready
for the finality of their death ... we're not.
The GOOD news is that you CAN get through this. Even though your world has
crumbled, there IS hope. Although you may not think so right now, there will come a day
when you fill find a smile on your face again, and joy in your heart. God promised! And
I can also tell you that this is true because I've been to the bottom of this merciless pit ~
and survived. You can too!
So how does one go from "just-beginning-all-consuming-grief" to "get-on-with-your-life-
grief"? I call it a journey of the hands. No, not the hands of a clock or any other time
piece. Real hands. Although everyone goes through grief in their own personal way,
feeling those strong emotions at different times and in different intensities, there will still
be some major similarities between your grief and mine, especially in the hands.
So, where are your hands right now?
When I first began my journey through grief, my hands were clenching tissues and
wiping the tears from my eyes or clenching my pillow as I buried my face into it to hide
the tears. I call this the clenching hands phase. This is normal.
As the finality of my loss became a reality, my hands became fists of anger and rage.
Yes, I was angry! I wasn't ready for this, and I wasn't through with my loved one. I
wanted them here a lot longer than they were allowed to stay. The unfairness of it all
infuriated me. I call this the fisted hands phase. This is normal.
Over time, I spent most of my time wringing my hands in despair. I didn't know what to
do or where to turn. My life had turned upside down and I was completely lost in a
foreign world, a world without my loved one. On top of the grief, I was also facing so
many life-changes now in my loved ones absence. All at a time when I was in the worst
emotional state to be making these kinds of decisions. I call this the wringing hands
phase. This is normal.
From there, these two hands became reaching hands, reaching for anyone and
anything that could make the pain go away or even lessen it one iota. Different people
go to different measures, some more desperate than others, to try to lessen the pain.
Some drown their pain in alcohol or drugs, others busy themselves with anything that
stops them from thinking about their grief: travel, books, hobbies, work, shopping. It's
not so much that we're trying to hide from our grief as it is trying to just find a little relief
from the grief. I call this the reaching hands phase. This is normal.
All of these phases of my own grief may sound very similar to yours. Each is perfectly
normal, and it's also perfectly normal for these phases to repeat themselves, weaving in
and out of your life over time as you find the best way to come to terms with your own
personal grief.
In my case, it became a vicious cycle until I finally discovered the correct things to do
with my hands. I call it the helping hands phase. Something inside of me made me
finally realize that I couldn't get through my grief alone. It was outside of my power to
survive this on my own. The pain was too intense and I was too unprepared. Even
reading everything I could find on grief, it didn't make the pain any less.
First, I reached out to friends and relatives. But even close friends and family can't give
you a helping hand that will make the pain bearable. Then, I realized that God had
given me two of the greatest helping hands, my own!
Finally, putting these two hands to proper use, I began to recover from the pain and find
peace in my grief. I simply got down on my knees and pressed these two hands of mine
together and began to pray, fervently, to a God who hears my every cry. Building a
close bond with the Lord formed by many prayers and spending much time in His
presence, listening for His small still voice to soothe my heart, finally brought peace
back into my soul.
He taught me how to lift my hands and give my burdens to Him, allowing Him to handle
the things I was incapable of handling, and allowing Him to be my strength to get me
through each day.
He taught me how to live again, a life where He is in complete control. This is not the
same life I had before grief entered the picture. I am not the same me I was before
losing my loved one. Yes, I may still look the same on the outside (pretty much anyway),
but my heart has changed. It was broken and He has mended it. It was empty and He
has filled it. It was bitter and He has cleansed it. It was hurt and he has healed it. It was
angry and He has tempered it. It was filled with turmoil and He brought it peace. And it
all started by using my own two hands, pressed together in earnest prayer.
So, I ask again, where are your hands right now? Which hand-phase are you in along
your journey? Although each phase may weave through your life as your continue your
journey through grief, you can take a MAJOR shortcut. Take the trip to the last phase â
€“ the helping hands phase, and put your hands together in prayer. It will make the rest
of the trip much more bearable and you WILL find peace. God promised.
May He truly bless you and bring you peace. ~ Ferna
| A Journey of the Hands © Ferna Lary Mills |
| A Christian Grief Ministry |
Life After Loss |