There are unwritten laws and rules for dealing with almost everything in life. Gravity
controls movement on earth and skies within our planet's influence. Hunger controls
the need to eat. Thirst controls our need to drink a refreshing liquid. And a death in
our family requires the need to express our raw emotions ~ our grief over the death. I
say "Requires" because there are consequences for not grieving just as there are
consequences for not trusting that there is gravity to deal with, hunger if we don't eat,
and dehydration if we do not drink water.
If we do not take into account the force of gravity and jump off a tall building, we will
most certainly be severely injured or killed by the impact at the bottom of the jump. If
we do not eat, we will inevitably loose weight and suffer drastic problems with our
bodies and minds. If we do not drink enough water, we will become dehydrated and
eventually die. All of our systems would shut down and we would cease to function as
healthy normal people are supposed to according to God's divine design. In those
things, we have no choice other than to obey. We MUST follow God's divine law!
The same is true of grief. When we lose a beloved member of our family, all of our
systems go into a state of shock calling for the response of relieving that trauma. We
experience disbelief, denial, anger, desperation, loneliness, sadness, and a dozen
other emotions that cry out for relief. Each emotion must be worked through in no
special order, but nonetheless, we MUST get through all of them to bring our
emotions back to normal and get on with our lives, again according to God's divine
design.
In my own case, I experienced the death of two of my children in a very untimely
manner. My youngest daughter was killed in an auto-pedestrian accident at age 11,
and my only son died years later of renal cancer at the age of 44. The first death
came suddenly with no warning; my son's death was preceded by 2 years and 8
months of desperate battle with the dread disease. In the death of my daughter I was
not allowed to grieve openly, and with my son's death, I was supported emotionally
and encouraged to express my sadness in my own way whenever I felt the need.
In the first one, my husband was thrown into such a state of shock and denial that he
could not face it. So his way of coping was to not talk about our daughter at all, to not
allow photographs to be shown in our living room or anywhere else in the house. Our
other two teenagers apparently went on with their typical teenager lives, albeit very
sadly. However years later, I learned that they each carried a load of guilt at not being
nicer and more sharing with her. My son did not speak her name until just before his
own death years later when he confessed it to me.
My own reaction was to watch my physical body rebel. Over months, I watched my
health plummet as I was not allowed to openly grieve my child at home. I lost the
ability to keep food down; my inner ear became ineffectual in my balance, and my
lymph system became a series of swollen glands choking me as I tried to sleep while
lying in my bed.
On the other hand, in the death of my son, I was encouraged to express my sadness
and mourn openly with the total support of my new husband. I was allowed to fully
experience all the pain and loss I was feeling with nothing barred from being
discussed. And still today, if I feel the need to reminisce about either of my deceased
children with my husband, he gives me the freedom to do so, at length if I feel the
need to do so. My body never gave any indication of shutting down and my health ~
other than fatigue of traveling frequent long distances to attend my son in the hospital
before his death, remained stable.
The grief recovery time between the two deaths was amazingly different. Where is
took years for my health to completely heal and life to resume as normal with
suppressed grieving with my daughter, it was only months of fully expressed grieving
for the shock to my system to normalize in the death of my son. I feel no less sad with
my son's death than I did my little daughter, nor do I miss her more than I do my son.
That would be totally impossible! There is no standard for the amount of grief you feel
for any lost loved one in your family, especially children. Each person must go through
their own shock in their own way, and in their own time frame.
From these personal experiences as well as those that have been told to me by others
grieving for their lost loved ones, I can draw this conclusion: The Laws and Rules for
coping with death and grieving are universal. Like the laws of gravity, hunger, and
thirst, the Laws of grieving MUST be obeyed or we will be severely effected be the
end of the trip like the landing at the bottom of a jump from a tall building, or extreme
fasting or dehydration.
But the difference is that the trip through grief does not have to be traveled alone.
God is in control of our lives, and as our Creator, He will love us and comfort us
through the depths of the sadness we must all experience at some time in our lives. All
you have to do is cry out to Him and He will be there to help restore you and keep you
as one of his children. He promised!
May you find peace and solace in your journey ~ Betty Eaton
controls movement on earth and skies within our planet's influence. Hunger controls
the need to eat. Thirst controls our need to drink a refreshing liquid. And a death in
our family requires the need to express our raw emotions ~ our grief over the death. I
say "Requires" because there are consequences for not grieving just as there are
consequences for not trusting that there is gravity to deal with, hunger if we don't eat,
and dehydration if we do not drink water.
If we do not take into account the force of gravity and jump off a tall building, we will
most certainly be severely injured or killed by the impact at the bottom of the jump. If
we do not eat, we will inevitably loose weight and suffer drastic problems with our
bodies and minds. If we do not drink enough water, we will become dehydrated and
eventually die. All of our systems would shut down and we would cease to function as
healthy normal people are supposed to according to God's divine design. In those
things, we have no choice other than to obey. We MUST follow God's divine law!
The same is true of grief. When we lose a beloved member of our family, all of our
systems go into a state of shock calling for the response of relieving that trauma. We
experience disbelief, denial, anger, desperation, loneliness, sadness, and a dozen
other emotions that cry out for relief. Each emotion must be worked through in no
special order, but nonetheless, we MUST get through all of them to bring our
emotions back to normal and get on with our lives, again according to God's divine
design.
In my own case, I experienced the death of two of my children in a very untimely
manner. My youngest daughter was killed in an auto-pedestrian accident at age 11,
and my only son died years later of renal cancer at the age of 44. The first death
came suddenly with no warning; my son's death was preceded by 2 years and 8
months of desperate battle with the dread disease. In the death of my daughter I was
not allowed to grieve openly, and with my son's death, I was supported emotionally
and encouraged to express my sadness in my own way whenever I felt the need.
In the first one, my husband was thrown into such a state of shock and denial that he
could not face it. So his way of coping was to not talk about our daughter at all, to not
allow photographs to be shown in our living room or anywhere else in the house. Our
other two teenagers apparently went on with their typical teenager lives, albeit very
sadly. However years later, I learned that they each carried a load of guilt at not being
nicer and more sharing with her. My son did not speak her name until just before his
own death years later when he confessed it to me.
My own reaction was to watch my physical body rebel. Over months, I watched my
health plummet as I was not allowed to openly grieve my child at home. I lost the
ability to keep food down; my inner ear became ineffectual in my balance, and my
lymph system became a series of swollen glands choking me as I tried to sleep while
lying in my bed.
On the other hand, in the death of my son, I was encouraged to express my sadness
and mourn openly with the total support of my new husband. I was allowed to fully
experience all the pain and loss I was feeling with nothing barred from being
discussed. And still today, if I feel the need to reminisce about either of my deceased
children with my husband, he gives me the freedom to do so, at length if I feel the
need to do so. My body never gave any indication of shutting down and my health ~
other than fatigue of traveling frequent long distances to attend my son in the hospital
before his death, remained stable.
The grief recovery time between the two deaths was amazingly different. Where is
took years for my health to completely heal and life to resume as normal with
suppressed grieving with my daughter, it was only months of fully expressed grieving
for the shock to my system to normalize in the death of my son. I feel no less sad with
my son's death than I did my little daughter, nor do I miss her more than I do my son.
That would be totally impossible! There is no standard for the amount of grief you feel
for any lost loved one in your family, especially children. Each person must go through
their own shock in their own way, and in their own time frame.
From these personal experiences as well as those that have been told to me by others
grieving for their lost loved ones, I can draw this conclusion: The Laws and Rules for
coping with death and grieving are universal. Like the laws of gravity, hunger, and
thirst, the Laws of grieving MUST be obeyed or we will be severely effected be the
end of the trip like the landing at the bottom of a jump from a tall building, or extreme
fasting or dehydration.
But the difference is that the trip through grief does not have to be traveled alone.
God is in control of our lives, and as our Creator, He will love us and comfort us
through the depths of the sadness we must all experience at some time in our lives. All
you have to do is cry out to Him and He will be there to help restore you and keep you
as one of his children. He promised!
May you find peace and solace in your journey ~ Betty Eaton
| The Laws of Grief © Betty Sue Eaton |
| A Christian Grief Ministry |
Life After Loss |