Mother was the oldest of 5 children and Dad was the youngest of 13. Between the two of
them, they wanted a large family of their own. I was the first, born 2 months premature,
followed by my brother, born 5 weeks preemie. Although we were born nearly three years
apart, both births were close calls according to Mom. She said she was lucky to have her
two kids.
But they still wanted that "large family" and for the next several years, tried in vain to
have more children. Their first two miscarriages were very early in the pregnancy, but the
third and last one died at five months. He was a boy.
So, what happens when death comes before a live birth? The Supreme Court has been
struggling for decades to determine if a fetus is a viable human being and it's not my
intent for this column to add to this debate. But whether death comes before a live birth,
or after, it's still a death and it still results in real grief.
Grief is grief. It's caused by loss. When someone is expecting, they are expecting to give
birth to a living child, one they will hold in their arms, touch, feel, kiss, and love for many
years to come. They believe they are carrying a child who will one day grow up, have
children and take care of their parents in their old age. There are a lot of hopes and
dreams placed into a pregnancy. The loss is multiple. For not only does a miscarriage
result in the loss of the child, there's a loss of hope, a loss of confidence. All of grief's
emotions are present: shock, denial, anger, sorrow, fear, loneliness, guilt, depression.
Suddenly there is a room filled with baby-things, but no baby. There are people who say,
"So when are you due?" not knowing you are no longer expecting. The world screams
out, "Where's the baby?" and there isn't one. In most cases, there's no grave site to visit,
no headstone to pray over, no record this child ever existed, fetus or otherwise, except
for solely in the bereaved and broken hearts of the family. It's just gone. But the loss is
real! The grief is real!
Grief comes in many shapes and sizes. The loss of a spouse of 50 years, the loss of a
small child to cancer, the loss of a teenager in a traffic accident, the loss of a beloved
due to a violent tragedy or homicide, or the loss due to miscarriage ... Yes, each loss is
different. Yet, each loss results in grief, and each grief seems unbearable to the griever.
No matter the shape and size of your grief, the laws of grief still apply.
Grief hurts. Nobody can say any mere words that will make your grief disappear. The
healing process takes time and you can't get there without pain. It's going to hurt and it's
going to hurt for a long time. But you can do this.
Seek solace in a support group. Not sure where to turn? Contact the National Share
Office for pregnancy and infant loss support at www.NationalShareOffice.com or call
them toll free at 1-800-821-6819. They can help you find a local support group and they
have additional resources that may be helpful for you.
For a healing salve, spend time in prayer. God grieves when we grieve and He knows
your pain even before you speak that first word. Let Him hear the voice of your heart and
comfort you with His peace.
Grief isn't forever, even though it feels like it. As long as you love someone and they are
absent from you, you will grieve. Grief is caused by loss and until that day when you are
miraculously reunited, you will grieve for them. But that day WILL come. God promised.
Grief isn't forever, but LOVE is.
1 Corinthians 13:8 states, "Love never dies." There will come a time when you will be
reunited with your loved one. Yes, even a child who died before birth has a reunion
scheduled to meet his or her parents in that Heavenly home. Keep that appointed time
close in your thoughts to help you get through the tough times. You can do this. Your life
may never again be the same, but it can still be a very good life. God still has many good
things planned for you. Another of His promises found in Jeremiah 2:9!
I always believed my mother handled her miscarriages with great dignity. I don't
remember ever hearing her cry although I 'm sure she did. The few times through the
years that she mentioned the miscarriages, I could see the sorrow in her eyes, even
many years later. She wrote down the dates of her miscarriages in our Family Bible and
every Bible she ever carried for the next 40 years; although they were dates I knew she
would never forget in her own heart. Death dates with no names and no birth dates, but
dates she grieved over her entire adult life.
At the age of 65, when cancer began to win the battle and Mom and I prepared to say
goodbye, she wasn't afraid. She knew where she was going, and she knew who would
be there to greet her. She called it "that grand reunion in the sky" where she would finally
get to see Jesus face to face, and to hold her lost babies and make up for lost time. Her
joy has now been made complete. Another of His promises.
Although I don't pretend to understand the grief of losing a child or the grief of a
miscarriage, I do know that God is faithful in His promises. I also know that He can give
you peace to get through the grief. May God bless you and bring you to that place of
peace. ~ Ferna
them, they wanted a large family of their own. I was the first, born 2 months premature,
followed by my brother, born 5 weeks preemie. Although we were born nearly three years
apart, both births were close calls according to Mom. She said she was lucky to have her
two kids.
But they still wanted that "large family" and for the next several years, tried in vain to
have more children. Their first two miscarriages were very early in the pregnancy, but the
third and last one died at five months. He was a boy.
So, what happens when death comes before a live birth? The Supreme Court has been
struggling for decades to determine if a fetus is a viable human being and it's not my
intent for this column to add to this debate. But whether death comes before a live birth,
or after, it's still a death and it still results in real grief.
Grief is grief. It's caused by loss. When someone is expecting, they are expecting to give
birth to a living child, one they will hold in their arms, touch, feel, kiss, and love for many
years to come. They believe they are carrying a child who will one day grow up, have
children and take care of their parents in their old age. There are a lot of hopes and
dreams placed into a pregnancy. The loss is multiple. For not only does a miscarriage
result in the loss of the child, there's a loss of hope, a loss of confidence. All of grief's
emotions are present: shock, denial, anger, sorrow, fear, loneliness, guilt, depression.
Suddenly there is a room filled with baby-things, but no baby. There are people who say,
"So when are you due?" not knowing you are no longer expecting. The world screams
out, "Where's the baby?" and there isn't one. In most cases, there's no grave site to visit,
no headstone to pray over, no record this child ever existed, fetus or otherwise, except
for solely in the bereaved and broken hearts of the family. It's just gone. But the loss is
real! The grief is real!
Grief comes in many shapes and sizes. The loss of a spouse of 50 years, the loss of a
small child to cancer, the loss of a teenager in a traffic accident, the loss of a beloved
due to a violent tragedy or homicide, or the loss due to miscarriage ... Yes, each loss is
different. Yet, each loss results in grief, and each grief seems unbearable to the griever.
No matter the shape and size of your grief, the laws of grief still apply.
Grief hurts. Nobody can say any mere words that will make your grief disappear. The
healing process takes time and you can't get there without pain. It's going to hurt and it's
going to hurt for a long time. But you can do this.
Seek solace in a support group. Not sure where to turn? Contact the National Share
Office for pregnancy and infant loss support at www.NationalShareOffice.com or call
them toll free at 1-800-821-6819. They can help you find a local support group and they
have additional resources that may be helpful for you.
For a healing salve, spend time in prayer. God grieves when we grieve and He knows
your pain even before you speak that first word. Let Him hear the voice of your heart and
comfort you with His peace.
Grief isn't forever, even though it feels like it. As long as you love someone and they are
absent from you, you will grieve. Grief is caused by loss and until that day when you are
miraculously reunited, you will grieve for them. But that day WILL come. God promised.
Grief isn't forever, but LOVE is.
1 Corinthians 13:8 states, "Love never dies." There will come a time when you will be
reunited with your loved one. Yes, even a child who died before birth has a reunion
scheduled to meet his or her parents in that Heavenly home. Keep that appointed time
close in your thoughts to help you get through the tough times. You can do this. Your life
may never again be the same, but it can still be a very good life. God still has many good
things planned for you. Another of His promises found in Jeremiah 2:9!
I always believed my mother handled her miscarriages with great dignity. I don't
remember ever hearing her cry although I 'm sure she did. The few times through the
years that she mentioned the miscarriages, I could see the sorrow in her eyes, even
many years later. She wrote down the dates of her miscarriages in our Family Bible and
every Bible she ever carried for the next 40 years; although they were dates I knew she
would never forget in her own heart. Death dates with no names and no birth dates, but
dates she grieved over her entire adult life.
At the age of 65, when cancer began to win the battle and Mom and I prepared to say
goodbye, she wasn't afraid. She knew where she was going, and she knew who would
be there to greet her. She called it "that grand reunion in the sky" where she would finally
get to see Jesus face to face, and to hold her lost babies and make up for lost time. Her
joy has now been made complete. Another of His promises.
Although I don't pretend to understand the grief of losing a child or the grief of a
miscarriage, I do know that God is faithful in His promises. I also know that He can give
you peace to get through the grief. May God bless you and bring you to that place of
peace. ~ Ferna
| When Death Comes Before Birth © Ferna Lary Mills |
| A Christian Grief Ministry |
Life After Loss |